Thursday, March 19, 2009

Joseph & Son, Fine Furniture

Driving down the road today I saw the old bumper sticker “My Boss is a Jewish Carpenter”. Oh yeah, Jesus was a carpenter. That led me down a path of thinking about the improbabilities of the things religionists believe. I have always thought the whole “trinity” concept was more than a little hard to swallow. It looks like a compromise designed by committee. Not necessarily they way you want to build the most powerful religion in the world. But that’s how they did it.

One of the things that led me away from the faith of my fathers was asking the practical questions. OK, so Jesus was the Son of God, and a carpenter. Huh. According to the Bible, he KNEW he was the Son of God. That whole scene on the cross where he was, well, cross with his dad. God. Well at what age did he become aware that he was a deity? He went around performing miracles. Curing lepers, spontaneously generating loaves and fishes, walking on water, good stuff like that. That stuff had to start somewhere. Maybe it had an impact on his apprenticeship.

I can see it now: Joseph and Son, Fine Furniture. Was that the sign above the door? Poor Joseph, trying to teach his son, the godling, how to use a lathe or a planer. “No dad, I don’t have to do it your way. You’re just my adopted dad. My real dad would just use a miracle to make the wood smooth.” That would go over big in Roman times.

I can see the complaint department now. Some big fat hairy guy like me buys a cabinet. I’m not happy with it so I try to return it.

Hairy: Hey, this crappy cabinet is defective, the door doesn’t shut right. I want my money back.

Joseph: I’m sorry to hear that sir, we’d be happy to take a look at it. Jesus, come out here and take a look at this cabinet you made. The door doesn’t shut correctly.

Jesus: What are you talking about? Everything I make is perfect.

Hairy: If it’s so perfect, how come the door doesn’t close all the way?

Jesus: It was perfect when I delivered it to your house.

Hairy: Well it’s not perfect now. Maybe you are exaggerating your abilities with a hammer, kid.

Jesus: Hey, it’s a cabinet not a chair, maybe you sat on it you fat bastard.

Joseph: Jesus, how many times do I have to tell you: “The customer is always right.”

Jesus: Aw dad . . .

Hairy: Yeah, who died and made you King of the Carpenters . . .

And can you imagine the relics? Whoa, what a treasure trove that would be. Yes, this milking stool was assembled by Jesus himself. And over here we have a window frame that Jesus personally shimmed. Of course would a window frame made by the Son of God need a shim?

One wonders about how Jesus decided to change careers from carpenter to Messiah. Perhaps I will save the conversation with Joseph on that one for another day. Just think – “Religion? You want to give up carpentry for religion?”


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